Picture this: You’ve just had an incredible first date straight out of a romantic movie. As you make your way home, you’re going over every moment of the evening in your mind. What do you do next? Do you grab your phone and start analyzing every detail, seeking dating advice from your group chat? Or maybe you’ve been keeping them in the loop throughout the night.
Chatting about your dating life with friends is nothing new (thanks to the Sex and the City reruns), but modern technology has made it simple to share screenshots of conversations, dating profiles, and social media pages to keep your friends informed on every detail. Many of us seek advice from friends about our relationships even before they become official, asking for input from the first swipe. Surprisingly, a study by Hinge revealed that Gen Z singles are 30% more likely than millennials to feel stressed if they can’t discuss a major dating decision with their friends. But how much should we value the advice our friends provide?
According to the same study, 80% of Gen Z singles believe it’s important to seek their friends’ advice on who to date, but 86% of them question this advice, and most end up regretting following it, feeling like they made the wrong choice. So, what’s the discrepancy? We chatted with Logan Ury, Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and author of How to Not Die Alone, to get her expert perspective on the issue.
Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge
Logan Ury is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach and the author of How to Not Die Alone. As the Director of Relationship Science for the dating app Hinge, Ury leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team, the Irrational Lab. Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME, The Washington Post, GQ, Glamour, Vice, and on HBO and the BBC.
“It’s crucial to tune into your own feelings and needs to determine how you feel about someone,” Ury emphasized, reminding singles that “it’s your relationship at stake, not your friends’.” Additionally, it’s essential to acknowledge that we often don’t share the entire story when seeking advice from our group chat. A significant 84% of Gen Z Hinge singles admitted that they are not completely truthful when seeking advice and often withhold details. On the flip side, 50% mentioned that they are not always honest when giving dating advice to their friends, either to spare feelings or because they feel their friend may not be ready for unbiased feedback.
So, how can we handle these situations better and take control of our dating lives? Here’s what Ury suggests:
Figure Out Your Dating Goals
The initial step to gaining more independence in your dating life is not only defining what you are looking for but also identifying areas where you may need to improve. Ury proposes posing questions to yourself like, “Are you too picky? Not picky enough? Do you want more dates? Do you seek to steer clear of individuals with anxious attachment styles or find someone secure?” Pinpoint the aspects of your dating life you want to enhance and the qualities you desire in a partner. What values do you want them to embody? What do you envision for the relationship? Take the time to “introspect to determine your dating goals,” as per Ury.
Use Your Friends For Accountability
Ury suggests utilizing friends for accountability, not for advice. Each one of us holds different values and aspirations, which can cloud the dating advice we receive. Your friends should be “individuals who motivate you to achieve your objectives.” Once you’ve outlined your dating goals, share them with your friends and seek their support as accountability partners. Instead of seeking validation from your group chat on whether to reach out to your ex, inform your friends that you aim for a clean break and look for their support when you feel tempted to deviate. Ury recommends viewing them as your cheerleaders rather than your “coach” or “advisor.”
Get in Tune With Your Emotions
It’s easier (and tempting) to adopt a friend’s advice if you haven’t evaluated your own feelings about a situation. Failing to connect with your emotions can result in regret over following your friend’s guidance. In the Hinge study, 74% of Gen Z singles expressed a desire to make decisions without seeking feedback. Ury suggests diving into books, podcasts on various dating topics, and perhaps consulting a therapist to understand your emotions better. “The more you comprehend your own emotions, the less you’ll rely on friends for guidance,” she recommends.
If you’re looking for a deeper understanding of your true feelings regarding your dating life (without turning to friends), tune in to this episode of The Everygirl Podcast featuring Naz Perez, Heartbroken Anonymous founder, and TV personality. Perez talks about how our dating lives intersect with our friendships and how to best support ourselves through heartbreak without excessively depending on friends. It serves as a solid starting point for self-assessment.
Slow Your Roll in the Group Chat
Now that you’re attuned to your emotions and clear on what you want to work on, you can independently decide if you’re interested in someone. Instead of immediately seeking your friends’ opinions on whether to pursue someone based on a dating profile screenshot, assess the situation for yourself. Ury suggests involving your friends to meet your new romantic interest only after you’ve decided on your interest. When seeking their opinion, she recommends asking, “What did you notice about my behavior around them?” rather than “What do you think of them?” This approach ensures you choose someone who brings out your best self because while your friends may not be dating experts, they are experts on you.
